Thoughts in the Dark...

How do I put into words the way I have been feeling these past several months…My heart is torn in so many ways and I feel so dissatisfied with the status quo. I am torn between the fear of what may come and the desire for more than the present holds. I feel burdened by the sorrows and fears that plague me on a daily basis. I don’t know how to be strong and brave. I feel as weak and helpless as a baby. I want to rest in Your arms and in Your love but my fear is holding me back. I feel like a prisoner held captive by an enemy too strong for any mortal man to vanquish. I know you are strong enough but what if I am not? What if I can’t handle whatever may come. The present troubles are almost too much for me to handle as it is and to even think of those that are waiting around the corner leaves me trembling with anxiety. I want to be strong, I want to be brave and to trust that what You have for me is the best but with that comes acceptance. Acceptance of things that I don’t feel I can accept. My heart is weak and my mind is troubled. I need Your peace and Your security. I need to know that Your love can get me through. That I don’t have to be strong on my own. I have no strength, no matter how hard I try the path keeps getting darker and more tangled with the weeds of fear and doubt. I know the answers, the solutions that I should be grasping for but they keep getting lost in the mire of my mind. I can’t go on without you. I can’t survive this battle for my very being. The enemy is gaining more ground each day it seems and my will to fight becomes weaker and weaker. God, grant me the strength to fight a little more each day. The will to carry on when all seems dark and terrible around me. Show me that You are holding on to me when my fingers are too tired to grasp Yours. I cannot exist without You, without Your strength, Your presence, Your life in me. I am tired of being the lazy, selfish, irresponsible child that I am. I am sick of wallowing in self-pity and lies. I cannot bear to be the person that I see in Your mirror held up to my heart. Too long have I allowed these feelings and thoughts to consume my soul. Too long have I pretended to be strong enough on my own. Too long has my heart poisoned itself with the lies that I am unlovable and worthless. I give myself to You once again in my hour of need with the realization that once again I have let myself come to the point of exhaustion and despair. So many times I have vowed to never be here again and yet I find myself coming back over and over. I know many things but how do I make my heart believe them and take courage from them? I need You more than I have ever needed You before. May this be the last time that I forget to trust You for my existence. Take this lonely broken heart of mine and make it Yours more fully than ever before. May I be so lost in You that I can never find myself to walk away again. Grant me Your peace and love; the strength and comfort I need to face each day as I awake, that I may be a faithful and true servant to you. May I learn to trust You more each day that the things which haunt my waking and my sleeping would no more hold such power over my heart.